Most of us have experienced someone - whether it is a family member, friend or coworker that seems to run right through our boundaries. Do you ever question why they are in your life in the first place? I want you to be open to the concept that every person that you ever interact with comes into your life for a reason, a season or for a lifetime.

Setting boundaries can be challenging. Learning how to speak up and voice your right to be happy, safe, healthy and whole isn't always easy or comfortable. However, by exploring boundary work and the triggers that prevent us from taking charge of our lives, we learn how to transcend our fear of rejection, of upsetting others, or losing someone's love.

I'm going to get real honest here. The reason it hurts so deeply is that you either love them or believe the story that you should love them. Or, that someone you love loves them and wants you to be a part of a group relationship. However, the honest truth is that somewhere, somehow there is a disconnect. There is an imbalance between the giving and receiving in the relationship which leaves us feeling depleted when we are giving more than we receive.

How do we restore this imbalance? How do we get to the place of witnessing that this person came into your life to help you reveal the light within you?

I'm going to share with you some things that I've learned along the transformational journey to help you create healthy boundaries in all of your relationships and restore your personal power.

I just recently celebrated a big birthday (the Big 5-0), and it really touched my heart how many people reached out via text phone calls, social media, dropping by, sending flowers, etc… I am sharing this with you because it really reminded me of a poem that I have that I want to share with you. It’s an poem by Lois A. Cheney called Bits and Pieces.

People. People important to you. People unimportant to you cross your life, touch it with love and move on. There are people who leave you, and you breathe a sigh of relief, and wonder why you ever came in contact with them. There are people who leave you and you breathe a sigh of remorse and wonder why they had to go and leave such a gaping hole.

Children leave parents. Friends leave friends. Acquaintances move on. People change homes. People grow apart. Enemies hate and move on. Friends love and move on. You think of the many who have moved into your hazy memory. You look at those present and wonder.

I believe in God’s master plan in lives. He moves people in and out of each others’ lives, and each leaves his mark on the other. You find you are made up of bits and pieces of all who ever touched your life, and you are more because of it, and you would be less if they had not touched you.

Pray God that you accept the bits and pieces in humility and wonder, and never question, and never regret.


It’s a pretty special poem, don’t you think? I originally found it when I was transitioning from high school to college and then I put it away for a long time. Life got busy and I wasn't in the mode of reflecting, but then my birthday with all those Facebook reach outs from every stage of my life got me a bit nostalgic. I have been thinking about all the relationships in my life and I do believe that everyone that comes into your life is there for a reason and helps you reveal The Light Within.

This is an easy concept to grasp when the person that you encounter leaves your heart feeling just a little bit lighter and a little bit more joyful - just like all those people that reached out to wish me happy birthday. However, it's much harder when the other leaves you heartbroken. And that heartbreak can be anything from mildly irritating to a tumultuous relationship that lasts months, years, or hell maybe it's been throughout your lifetime.

How do we restore this imbalance? How do we get to the place of witnessing that this person came into your life to help you reveal the light within you?
I'm going to share with you some things that I've learned along the transformational journey to help you create healthy boundaries in all of your relationships and restore your personal power.

First, if you know you could be setting better boundaries in your life, but you’re not doing it, the first step to making a change is to understand the WHY behind your actions.

Boundary setting is a learned skill set. How could you possibly know how to do it if no one ever taught you? So many of us were directly and/or indirectly taught NOT to have healthy boundaries. Many, many people, women in particular, were raised and praised for self-abandoning, codependent behaviors.

If you think back to your experiences and unconscious stories growing up, did you get positive feedback for things like doing more than your share, self-sacrificing, or being “nice” no matter how you may have felt? Many of us received praise for being easy-going, for being seen and not heard, for being agreeable, smile! I know it because I've lived through it my friend!

What kind of behavior was modeled for you? What did you learn about what it means to be a good person, a good worker, a good partner or a good parent? Did it mean bending over backward for other people, never asking for help and did it mean putting yourself on the back burner to care for those around you?

I am asking all these questions because we must first bring it to our consciousness before we can start the process of unlearning. For most of us, the women who were teaching us all these misconceptions were themselves handed down the same party line. My mother was from a “seen but not heard” generation. Without bringing any judgement, but our mothers, our mentors or teachers were doing the best they could with the wisdom that they knew at the time. Again, some of this is generational but also I want to point out some of it is our hard-wiring programming. For a mother, it is programmed to want your child to not only survive but thrive.

The opposite of that is fear of rejection. We are hard wired to want to be in a tribe. It is primal. Separation from the pack historically might have very well meant death. Fear of being ostracized is a mistake some mothers make, and often they try to make fitting in so stressful, constantly making suggestions, whether the child needs it or not, thus, setting everyone up for codependency or to become people pleasers.

Codependency is a desire to control the feeling states, outcomes, and choices of the people in our lives. To do this, a codependent person can make themselves indispensable to the people around them so they “can’t be” rejected.

Codependency is a legitimate factor in why women, in particular, have such a challenge in creating healthy boundaries. We have to reveal what rejection really means to ourselves. It wasn't easy, but I had to learn to recognize the moments in which I was just saying yes to go along to get along because I didn’t want to jeopardize my social standing or my relationship with someone that I cared about. I had to overcome a fear of rejection in order to create healthy boundaries.

Again, people pleasing is a trait we inherited from our childhood, when we were conditioned to believe that it was selfish to put our needs first, and we were made to feel guilty or shamed. And it is this shame that in turn leads to behaviors of codependency so that we do not have to face the fear or hurt of rejection. But you know how this story ends, you can only be in people pleasing for so long until the energy exchange is so draining and you can only neglect your own self care for so long until resentment builds and in many cases explodes in conflict with that person that you ultimately or originally wanted connection with.

I am saying all this because I have lived through it. Being a People Pleaser was a trait I inherited from childhood. I was conditioned to believe it was selfish to put my needs first and I was made to feel guilty about that. Ashamed was what I felt when I acted in a way that was more like my father than the traits of my mother. I feared my mother’s rejection. It placed me in a people pleasing pattern that I left unchecked for many years. It led me to a pattern of over giving without boundaries, building up resentment until I snapped and was gasping for self-care to restore balance.

I am going to be brutally honest. It is a pattern that I learned from my mother and passed to my own children - especially my daughter. I myself am learning - very imperfectly I might add - that as my daughter moves into adulthood I need to learn how to step back and allow her to live her life. But that didn’t mean that I didn’t love her with all my heart. I have been drinking out of a mug that I gave her that she left behind when she went to college. It has a momma and baby owl on it and it says “Owl always love you”. It makes my heart smile when I drink from it each morning. I miss her so much but I also know it is time for her to find her wings to fly. I just hope she remembers to fly home every once in a while.

I am not trying to make our mother/daughter relationship sound like a Hallmark special. I promise I made mistakes; I didn’t do boundaries very well when my children were little. I was an over giver, I made sure everyone else had what they needed and I had very ingrained behavior and belief system based on what it meant to be a wife, a mother, a friend. These belief systems limited my ability to put healthy boundaries in place. I unconsciously repeated patterns. But I am thankful for my waking up moment and I am guessing if you are listening you are ready for change too.

The truth is those who truly love you care about what you want. I will say that again, those who truly love you care about what you want.

I am going to move the conversation from codependency to those who have a narcissist in their life. So, here is my story… I was raised with traditional gender roles and I was socialized to be the connector between my mother and father and the connector between my older and younger siblings. Being the “middle child” came at the expense of my own mental, physical and spiritual health. By constantly being the reflector, it actually blocked me from being authentically generous and kind.

What do I mean by reflector? OK - Here is the deep dive on narcissism. Narcissist - The term originated from Greek mythology, where a young man named Narcissus fell in love with his own image reflected in a pool of water. The object of my affection is my reflection. A narcissist can only fully see themselves by drawing you in. They see themselves through your energy that you give to them.

Do you have a narcissist in your life? Are you not sure if you have a narcissist in your life? Let me ask you these questions: Does your boss constantly blame you for things you didn't do? Do you isolate yourself from friends and family to avoid conflict at home? Do you feel anxious when you see a certain "friend's" name on your cell phone? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you, my friend, most likely have a narcissist in your life.

I'm going to suggest a book that I read that really helped me unpack this entire concept because I could digress on this topic for the next five posts (and who knows maybe I will) but if you are struggling with a narcissistic relationship download or pick up the book “The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists” by relationship expert Rokelle Lerner.

Lerner tackles the inner workings of narcissism and offers compassionate and realistic advice for surviving a relationship with those afflicted with this personality disorder. A narcissist can make life exhilarating and exciting one minute, and sheer hell the next. A narcissist has no qualms about taking another's energy to satisfy their unquenchable hunger. Mind you, they are not inherently evil, but unfortunately their wounds compel them to act in ways that are sometimes unconscionable, damaging, and ultimately I think it is all quite tragic. Boundaries are imperative when dealing with a narcissist otherwise it is truly one of the most toxic energy exchanges.

So, whether it’s a mother-in-law, friend, coworker or boss, sometimes it's impossible to avoid narcissists - cutting them out of your life and running to the hills is not practical. They are going to be part of your story. So, instead of being miserable or taken advantage of, pick up this book - The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection - because the author not only shares insights on the dynamics and complexity behind the personality disorder of Narcissism but offers several coping tools to navigate through this type of relationship such as learning to see narcissists as they see themselves and creating defense factors to ward them off.

Remember, to first understand boundaries, we have to uncover the Why? For Narcissists, they suffer from a personality disorder that began in the early stages of childhood. They are stuck in an early development stage where there is tremendous self-interest, excessive self-absorption, and extreme entitlement. Their behavior is a consequence of early childhood abandonment and abuse. I am not excusing it. I am just shedding light on it because it is totally on my heart to reveal the heartbreak from being in a relationship with a narcissist. It is important to understand why narcissists do the things they do and only then can you consciously set boundaries to protect yourself from their intimidation and manipulations.

Once you stop denying the impact they have on you, your healing can begin.

Don’t beat yourself up. Narcissists are disarming, manipulative, and mesmerizing by nature. It took me way too many years to properly see these relationships with the proper lenses but finally all the crap that I had been put through made sense. Again, I bring up the book The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection. It was a hard book to read because the author is brutally honest towards the most-likely-codependent partner (in other words me) that allowed the narcissist to beat them down. However, the good news is you can learn to manage the narcissistic people in your life. It is imperative to set appropriate boundaries in these situations. Your soul is asking you to tap back into your spirit, be solid in your purpose and regain a sense of control in your life.

Are you still with me? I bring up codependency and narcissism because they are the outliers but I want everyone listening to be able to maintain balance in all of their relationships. I so want you to have relationships that are balanced. Balance based on mutual love, not one-sided giving! You are worth it. Again, the truth is, those who truly love you care about what you want.

I know today’s topic is hard but I think you are still here it is because you are ready to get out of your comfort zone. You can do this. It is time to change up the dance of your relationship even if asserting yourself can feel a little daunting. But I promise you, healthy boundaries set you free to be heard, to be seen and to truly be known. Boundaries are scary because they require you to be in charge of your own happiness. Hang in there, we are on this journey together and I will help you continue to balance your desire to lead with a willingness to collaborate with ease and grace. But if you are going to become a Boundary Boss, no one is going to do it for you. You have to assert yourself in your relationships. Nothing changes until you do. The most important thing happening right now is you are raising your awareness of how you are relating to boundaries right now. That my friend, is real growth.

Having healthy boundaries means knowing your preferences, your deal breakers, your desires and then having the ability to clearly express them in your life and within all of your relationships.

I am not going to lie. These boundary myths we were programmed with are powerful. I don’t know how many times I heard from my mother, “If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all”… sound familiar? Think about all the sayings, stories and stereotypes out there around how women should and shouldn’t act. Many of us have been conditioned to believe in order to be good women, everything should be OK. We should be fine. If we’re assertive, we’re demanding. If we ask for what we want, we are a diva. If we set a limit, we are labeled a bitch. If we talk about our feelings, we are a drama queen or being dramatic. But just by this conversation, by bringing some of the dark shame stories to the surface we know the light that is revealed when we illuminate and remind ourselves how antiquated and how outdated these stories really are. In your heart you can feel it. I know that you can see how counterproductive this thinking is. So now is the time to blow up these myths and move into a growth mindset.

What we all need and what we all deserve is the ability to self-express. To stand in our personal truths come to a place of recognition that isn’t from someone else’s POV- not society, not your family, partner or friends- but a deep recognition of ourselves. Know your value, know your worth. Where in your body does self-love live today? Lasting change is real and it all starts with you.

Again, every single person that is in your life is there to help you reveal the light that is within. Can you get to a point where you have gratitude for these relationships? At the beginning of this post, I reflected on my birthday and the many well wishes from all the stages of my life. I am incredibly grateful for all the footprints each and every one of those who reached out to me. Think about the candles on a birthday cake. There is a reason we turn off the lights as the birthday song begins. If you hold out a birthday candle in a well-lit room it only reveals so much light however flip that switch. In the darkness, only a few candles seem to illuminate the entire room.

Even if it's not your birthday, close your eyes with me for a moment. What is your birthday wish for this year? I invite you to make a wish to heal a relationship that has brought you that has hurt you because I want you to heal my friend because there's so much light within you to share with this world.

It is a process but I am finally at a place where I am thankful for the narcissistic relationships that I had in my early childhood because they taught me how to perfect being a reflector and it’s my ability to reflect that has made me a better friend and a better healer. I say this directly to you, my friend - if you could see how perfect you are in my eyes I just want to wholeheartedly reflect that wholeness back to you. As Brene Brown would say, you are worthy and deserving of wholehearted living.

Pull out your journals, start writing. Use my videos and meditations that you can find on my website GirlfriendsGuru.com so that you can pay attention to your body and your feelings. Trust that inner wisdom that starts to emerge as you begin to ask yourself - What are my priorities? What is being neglected in my life? What do I need to nourish myself? A lot of people get confused that boundary work is just about saying no. I like to flip that phrase. Instead of the word no, can you use the verbiage of communicating where you want to say yes. But you have to know what you want, to communicate what you want. Use my podcasts to help you discover what matters to you and only then can you learn how to properly articulate those needs to someone else.

Are you ready to look deeply into some of these relationships with care and honesty? All the meditations that I have been sprinkling throughout this past season are designed to help bring you mindfulness and help you build self-awareness so that you can identify where in your life you need boundaries. I am in this with you. This is deep healing so have some compassion for yourself - I am confident that you can do it.

Set your own personal boundaries; write them down in your journal. Keep the language clear and simple. This communication is for you first. The hope is for you to see self-improvement through the work you do with self-boundaries. Where and what do you want to say yes to? Once you have fully honored and embraced all the emotions, only then can you sort out the habits and emotions you want to change. Remember, we can never change the Other. Quit trying to fix the relationship by trying to fix the other person. The only person that can change is you and how you respond. If you can stay with where you want to say yes and where you want to say no magic happens. I promise that by transforming your relationship with yourself you will transform your relationships with others in a way that you can authentically step into a life you were born to live!